Letter from Boston

Finals-Week Musings

By MASAKO YAMADA

The last class of my first year of graduate school came without much fanfare. However, I can't deny the sense of release I felt after that class. In spite of it being reading period right now, I've taken my time to relax. I've seen a Harvard student production of a play about gay Taiwanese called "Crystal Boys." I went downtown to see my friend Suzanne's chamber music group, "The Musicians of the Old Post Road." I've gone shopping for a new white dress and jacket.

I have four finals this semester ― starting tomorrow ― so I suppose I ought to have filled this first paragraph with descriptions of my studying, as opposed to those of my hanging out. However, my finals are scheduled in rapid succession, and once they begin, I won't have much time to relax. Knowing this, I've found it very hard to get myself in gear, even though I know how serious my final exams are. Bad grades could get me expelled.

I haven't been doing as well this semester as I did last semester. I struggled quite a bit with my studies last semester, but, on a spiritual level, I had much more desire and energy back then. I knew that I was doing what I wanted to do. Physics is a very difficult subject, of course, but I never found it repulsive and I never found it incomprehensible. These days, however, I'm not so sure of what I want to do ― and where I want to be.

When I first started graduate school, I had the will to party on Fridays and then come home and study all night. Now, I've been finding it more and more appealing to go home early and read novels. I used to be able to sleep for just a few hours in the evening and then get up to study in the wee hours of morning, but these days, I often don't hear my alarm clock ringing. By the time I finally wake up, I'm often late for class.

I've never been a disciplined student (being quite rebellious and fickle, I've tended to study what I want, when I want) but I've always been able to come through when the chips are down. I think part of the reason I'm so tired right now is because of so-called "burn-out." This could be perceived as another excuse for laziness, but I honestly don't think the solution to my problem lies in gritting my teeth and facing the books. It would be admirable for me to raise my grades through sheer willpower, but that would only be a Band-Aid solution. It would treat the symptoms (bad grades) but wouldn't get rid of the source (lack of passion). I think the ultimate source of my lethargy lies in my heart and that can be fixed only within myself.

The American college year is, in days and months, very short. Each semester is only a little over three months long. Indeed, this first year flew by, and I can't believe that I'm already facing summer vacation. However, when I assess my future plans now, they aren't as clear as they were when I first entered graduate school. Something has changed inside me. Sure, I'd never planned on becoming a professor ― even as an undergraduate, I knew that I didn't want to subject myself to that very competitive world ― but I knew I wanted to do some kind of computer-related research after I got my Ph.D.

I still love science ― whenever I am relaxed enough to be able to pore through my books, I find myself amazed at wonderful discoveries and the wonderful people who discover them. But now I feel like entering a softer field. I like knowing about the events that are going on around me, whether they are trivial or looming, and whether they are among friends and family or beyond the limits of my own personal world. I'm now beginning to realize that there isn't one path I have to take after I graduate ― I could become a journalist, a teacher, or a consultant ― and this makes me feel more hopeful. I think I can pick myself up and study for my finals now.

Shukan ST: May 16, 1997

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