Essay

Not goodbye

By Samantha Loong

音声ダウンロード

Conversations are a bit like sandwiches. The filling — the message — is important, but without a solid hello and goodbye to hold it all together, you're pretty much left with a mess on the floor.

My grandmother and I have enjoyed many a delicious sandwich together. With my limited Cantonese, I've somehow managed to discuss human rights issues with her, convince her that the gorgeous winner of a Miss Transgender competition was born a man, and get her opinion on marriage equality. Some of our discussions involved more chewing of the sandwich, but we never once spat out any bites.

Our chats on the phone always started with "How are you?" moved on to "Have you eaten?" and would usually end with "Take care." I don't think we have ever parted ways with "Goodbye." Across all languages, there are many other alternatives like "good luck," "talk to you later," "thank you," "cheers," "all the best," "see you soon," "keep in touch" and "nice meeting you."

None of these seemed particularly appropriate when it came to farewelling my grandmother recently. She had always expressed wanting her ashes scattered at sea. And as I stood with my family on a gently swaying boat, staring at the small box containing a woman of inspiration, humour, forgiveness, generosity, warmth and immense knowledge, I was at a loss as to how to end this particular conversation.

How do you say goodbye to someone you saw as invincible? Who helped you feel that you too, were the same? I don't think you can. My gran and I always gave each other food for thought and I felt like we still had many more sandwiches to share.

I've never liked farewells. I've learned to cope by rationalising that sometime in the future, I'll get to see the people I'm leaving. With my grandmother however, I realise that I won't be seeing her again physically. I could theorise about the afterlife at this stage, but I prefer to think in-life. And in this life, I believe we'll still be able to have a chat — just in smaller, quieter ways. I'll hear a "How are you?" whenever I see one of the many small, octogenarian women in my Japanese town. I'll hear a "Have you eaten?" whenever I attempt to make a full-fat dish. And I'll giggle conspiratorially with her whenever I see a baguette and remember the time she demonstrated how you could use one to strike someone down.

There is a way to end our conversations now. I won't be saying goodbye, take care or see you soon, but there is one thing that does feel right: Goodnight, Po. Love you.

さようならではない

お互いの母語が違うという言語の壁がありながらも、筆者は大好きな祖母とはさまざまな話をしてきた。その祖母との最後の別れにふさわしい表現がみつからずにいたのだが・・・。

The Japan Times ST: March 14, 2014