Essay

Language limbo

By Tony Laszlo

I've been piddling around with French on and off for around 20 years but still can't muster up the courage to speak more than a few words. I can sort of stumble and bumble my way through some books, films and radio programs, but if a real, live francophone greets me, my forehead and palms suddenly turn icy-moist, I mumble something about not being able to understand, then, invariably, my eyes shoot straight down to my shoes.

There is nothing unusual about my shoes, of course. Except for the fact that at that very same moment, within the privacy of my mind, I am kicking myself with them. Viciously.

If only I had some experience conversing, I'd have more confidence at times like these. But it is precisely the lack of such confidence that prevents me from gaining the experience I need. Being so close to conversational fluency — at least in my imagination — adds to my misery. That and the idea that it is some kind of sin not to be fluent in French after having spent so much time and energy on it. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a special purgatory.

So, what is to be done? Well, the easiest thing would be to just give up. I could simply pretend that I never tinkered with French in the first place. Who would know the difference?

Ah, but that would mean admitting defeat. I couldn't do that; it's not my style. Taking French lessons is also out. Anyone can learn a language if they take lessons. The trick is to learn it without them. Besides, going to a school now would concede the fact that I have been simply spinning my wheels all these years while trying to learn French by myself.

Of course, I could start dating a French-speaking woman, I suppose. Oops. No, that's out. Now that I'm married, that would mean committing adultery.

So, it seems I've really painted myself into a corner here. My only consolation is the knowledge that tens of thousands of Japanese are in the same boat. That is, they have only enough confidence in their English conversation abilities to feel that they should be able to speak fluently, yet not enough to actually do so.

And so I implore you all: Let us remain here in this language limbo together, offering each other the compassion that can only be provided by true members of the Not Quite Successful Language Learners Club. Don't ... leave ... me ... here ... all ... alone.

Shukan ST: Sept. 07, 2007

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