Essay

Starbucks language

By Benjamin Woodward

A few months back, a woman entered a Starbucks on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, New York, where she attempted to order a toasted multigrain bagel. A simple enough task, but when the person behind the counter asked her if she wanted butter or cheese on the bagel, the woman lost her temper. "I just wanted a multigrain bagel," she later said, "I refused to say, 'without butter or cheese.' When you go to Burger King, you don't have to list the six things you don't want." The matter didn't end there. This being New York, the "barista" rose to the occasion. He refused to hand over the bagel until the woman explicitly said she wanted either butter or cheese or neither. The police eventually had to be called and the woman was forcibly ejected from the coffee shop, threatened with arrest if she didn't leave.

The woman, a professor of English, said she objected on "linguistic" grounds, which is odd because the bagel incident isn't related to linguistics. It did, however, transpire that on previous occasions she had refused to order a "grande" coffee and insisted on calling it a "large," and here she speaks to many of us who find the whole "one grande decaf non-fat non-whip mocha frappuccino" Starbucks language extremely irritating. I have read that these words are intended to give the regular Starbucks patron a feeling of having "insider knowledge and status," and that the sense of empowerment is what makes customers want to come back.

I can't say that argument resonates with me strongly. My first conversation in one of the many Starbucks here (and they are everywhere, like the bed bugs currently terrorizing the city) went something like this: "A small coffee, please." "You mean a tall?" "No, sorry, a short." "We don't have a short size." "Then I'll take a tall." "A tall pike?" "A pike?" "Yeah, you know, coffee." Why a "pike"? Why not just "coffee." As far as I'm concerned, a pike is either a species of fish or a piece of medieval weaponry. But apparently it's just a cup of old joe. I later learned that "Pike" is a reference to Starbuck's original outlet in Seattle. Did I feel empowered by this newfound knowledge? Not particularly. All I felt was a lingering sense of resentment.

The whole business reminds me of a film I saw recently called Role Models where a character also loses his cool at the coffee counter: "Venti is 20," he says, "Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages." The barista insists: "A venti is a large coffee." He answers, "Really? Says who? Fellini? Do you accept lira or is it all euros now?" before being dragged away. How can you not sympathize?

Shukan ST: November 5, 2010

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