Opinion

Stick to the positive

By Caroline Pover

There is currently a very interesting issue being discussed on the Being A Broad discussion board. The phenomenon often causes a lot of upset among foreigners in Japan, especially women, but it seems to be related to cultural differences more than anything else.

Foreigners often find that Japanese people comment upon their appearance in a way that would be quite inappropriate in Western culture. I remember when I was a high school teacher in Japan my Japanese colleagues often made comments if they thought I looked tired, or if they thought I was putting on weight. I could never quite understand why a person should feel the need to comment on those things, but it seemed to be of great interest to the people I worked with.

In Western culture, it would be considered very rude to say such things to people. Even if it might be true that somebody looks tired or is putting on weight, there may be serious reasons for it! For example, perhaps somebody looks tired because they might have had a big argument with their partner the night before. Or perhaps they had some bad news that made them very upset. If someone is putting on weight, perhaps they are feeling stressed, or have had a lifestyle change that is affecting their body shape, or they are naturally getting older, or maybe someone could be pregnant but is not ready to tell people about it yet. There could be many reasons that people don't want their colleagues to know about. And even if these people don't really have a reason, it's still considered very rude to comment on these things.

I know that Japanese people don't mean to hurt people's feelings by commenting on their appearance. In fact, when Japanese people say that someone looks tired, I am told that they are being very well-meaning, and want to show that they notice and care that someone might be working too hard.

I think that Japanese people make comments when someone looks tired, because to put so much effort into one's work - to the point of exhaustion (!) - is thought to be a very good thing in Japan. Japanese people generally admire someone who works very hard, and like to tell the hard-worker that their efforts have not gone unnoticed. It is intended to be a compliment in many ways. But many foreigners don't know that, and would usually just feel hurt that someone would comment about how they look in what could be perceived as a negative way.

So, in general, if you want to comment about how somebody looks, it is best to say very positive things. If you're not sure how people will react, then don't say anything at all. It is the safest option for you.

Shukan ST: Jan. 14, 2005

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