Essay

Talking about toilets

By John Gathright

"Excuse me, are you Toilet?" "Huh?!" I have to admit I was taken aback. The middle-aged man's face was sincere yet urgent. And then it clicked. I was wearing a suit and standing by the Canadian Pavilion at the World Expo 2005 in Aichi. This man thought I worked there and was doing his best to ask in English where the toilet was. I smiled and said, "The toilet is over there." He rushed off and a few minutes later returned to thank me. I was killing time and he was in no hurry, so we got to talking.

My new friend was from Akita. He actually spoke fairly good English, but wasnervous to talk to a foreigner, so his "Where are the toilets?" got jumbled. At first he was apologetic about his English until I convinced him that gaffs in conversation were fine - in fact, they were a source of humor, something to be laughed over by both parties. We soon found ourselves in stitches and having a riot talking about the world of toilets and the cultural differences in toilet shape and size. The Japanese man's family and friends soon joined in the conversation, and soon we were having a great time.

It is amazing how many different words for toilets there are in English - bathroom, restroom, W.C., men's room, ladies room, powder room, lavatory. Toilets outside the home are called outhouses. Some mothers call rude or lewd conversation "toilet talk," and someone who tells vicious lies is "talking toilet."

If we include slang words for toilets, one that caused me much chagrin when a child was "the john." Big John is the name of a brand of portable toilet, which became so well known around the country that "going to the john" became slang for going to the toilet: "I have to go to the john," "I think I'll go talk to John," "Need to visit the john." Arriving in Japan I was relieved to find that they don't have Big John toilets here but disappointed to learn that John was a popular dog's name.

So we talked about this for a while, and then I told them my embarrassing Japanese toilet story. Since there were no instructions and no one to teach me, I just took it for granted that you faced the door when you used the traditional Japanese toilets - and that you sat on it. It was not only uncomfortable and cold but my bottom got wet. Not realizing that I was using the toilet backward I tried everything I could to brace myself and keep myself from falling in - the walls, the handrail, everything. For almost one year, I suffered.

It's amazing to think how fun and spontaneous conversations can be and where conversations can go. I mean, this all started from the man mistakenly asking me if my name was Toilet. One of the man's friends said when she went to Canada, she'd ordered two beers. She meant to ask for two Budweizers and was surprised when the hotel manager appeared at the counter to talk with her. The people there had thought she'd asked for "two advisers."

So, if you are Japanese and you happen to make an English gaff, be proud to know that you are in excellent company. Everyone makes mistakes. Even native speakers make mistakes, but mistakes are what make life interesting and fun.

We all love to laugh at ourselves and with others. Sometimes Japanese people worry about being laughed at when they make English mistakes, but really, they shouldn't worry if people laugh. I promise they aren't laughing at you but with you.

Shukan ST: June 10, 2005

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