Opinion

Divorce Should Not Be a Stigma

By JOHN GATHRIGHT

Why do Japanese use the phrase "batsu ichi" to describe someone who is divorced? Whenever I hear the phrase I can't help but wince. I think they are so unfair. Unfortunately, the mass media loves it and has succeeded in making batsu ichi vogue.

People's lives aren't written tests with fill-in-the-blank answers. No one has the right to grade someone's marital experiences with "batsu" or "maru." Our lives are the accumulation of our experiences, molded by each success and failure, and spurring us to grow.

So why in Japan do we use the phrase batsu ichi to describe someone who has experienced a divorce? It is very evident that for women especially, there is a stigma attached to the label.

Just recently, being batsu ichi shattered the heart of a close family friend. She was dumped because her boyfriend's parents insisted that their son not marry a batsu ichi. Their rationale was that, even though she was a lovely lady, he shouldn't settle for "damaged goods."

As we helped our friend pick up the pieces of her broken heart, I can't help but feel that in hindsight not marrying into such a close-minded family is a blessing in disguise. The old saying "once bitten twice shy" often holds true in the case of divorcees.

I do not advocate divorce as a solution to all marital problems. I do feel though that in some situations a marriage gone sour can provide many valuable lessons and foster a determination and commitment to succeed the next time.

I was 6 years old, and the oldest of three children when my mother divorced. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was an emotional wreck, and as a child I was very pained and upset by the whole situation. Life felt full of gloom and despair.

That was many years ago. I am now the oldest of eight children and the son of a different man. In Japan, my mother would be called batsu ichi but I feel that her divorce was not a bad thing at all.

When she remarried she chose another divorcee and together they entered their new marriage with a determination and commitment to make it a success. They promised each other to have a home full of love, happiness, communication and devotion to a successful marriage. They turned the pain and sadness of their previous marriages into a positive force for success. I can't help but feel that for them being batsu ichi was really batsu maru!

Essayist Joanna Slan once likened marrying a divorced person to a doctor with experience. When you need surgery, she would choose the one with the most experience. When marrying she would choose a divorced person with determination to succeed the second time.

Divorced people are not damaged goods. In many cases they have much value added. Our friend feels that she lost a boyfriend but actually she has been given the opportunity to find someone who can appreciate the value of her experience.

I feel that by using the phrase batsu ichi we show prejudice toward divorcees. I don't encourage labeling someone, but if people insist wouldn't maru ichi be more fitting!

Shukan ST: July 7, 2000

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