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恋の行方はどうなる?
ある日、筆者の仕事場に一枚のファクスが届いた。「モテる男になるための講座への案内状である。なんでも第一印象を劇的にアップさせ、女性に「もう一度会いたい」と思わせることを目指すという。バレンタインデーを目前に控えたこの時期、どんな講義が展開されているのかと興味がわいて、早速参加してみた。
The course of true love
Picture a room. In this room there are about 40 middle-aged men. They sit hunched and silent and joyless. The air itself seems heavy, the surroundings drained of all color. In front of the assembled crowd stands a woman. Dressed in bright pink, she holds a microphone and speaks in a voice that's so cheerful you know she is, deep down, very unhappy.
It's a seminar for men looking for their "special someone," and I'm sitting in the second row. Perhaps I should explain: a fax arrived at work a week earlier. "Become a man who women would want to meet a second time!" it screamed. "Media welcome." It was irresistible.
So there I am, feeling very embarrassed and hoping I'm not blending in too much. The teacher - the woman in pink - is midway through her first point: "You may think that the most important thing on your first date is for the woman to like you. You're wrong. The most important thing is for the woman not to dislike you." In other words: because you aren't attractive, the best chance you'll have with a woman on your first date is that she'll endure you.
"It's what's inside that counts," she continues. "Show her your strong points, have confidence in yourself, convince her that you're a responsible adult and that you're attentive and it'll definitely lead to a second date." For the next half an hour, she talks about grooming. What happened to what's inside?
Then: "Nose hair!" she says dramatically. I choke. My mind has been drifting. "You may not notice it yourself but women are generally shorter and the last thing they want to see when they look up into your face is great bushes of hair sprouting from your nostrils." The audience nods sagely. Some take notes. "But women never tell you," says one man. "That's what's terrifying." The teacher looks sympathetic. "Nose hair clippers," she says. "Get a pair."
There follows a long list of things you shouldn't wear on a first date: piercings, rings, backpacks, underarm bags ("I'm extremely sorry," says one man, meekly raising his hand. "I seem to have brought one with me."). Also, sneakers, flannel checks, too-tight clothes, and leather ("If you want to wear long leather boots," says the woman gravely, "wear them only after a couple of dates."). Finally, she says: "Remember, you're not Odagiri Joe. Dress normally, and look clean." I giggle. Alone.
"Women think of first dates like they're interviews," the woman continues. "They're looking for someone to look after them, a gentleman, someone who's normal, ordinary, who doesn't do or say anything strange, who obviously tries hard to please them." If I were a woman I'd find that incredibly boring. Moreover, I thought the worst sin of a first date was looking like you were trying too hard.
"And if it doesn't go well, if you get turned down once, twice, 10 times, 20 times, 50 times, 100 times, don't be discouraged. There's a woman out there who's looking just as desperately as you. And if you do despair, just find some happy couples and spend some time with them. That way it will keep your motivation going strong." Motivation? Bitterness, resentment, envy and despair, I'm sure, but not motivation.
"And finally, remember to smile. And practice those smiles. Women do it all the time, so why not you? Get a mirror and practice raising the corners of your mouth until it becomes natural. We can try it now." It's difficult to describe what happened next. The sight of 40 men trying to smile is a sight that I will take to the grave with me. Some scars - like great loves - are forever.
Shukan ST: Feb. 17, 2006
(C) All rights reserved
- The course of true love
- 本当の恋の行方(シェークスピアの『真夏の世の夢』に出てくる名句 The course of true love never did run smooth. 〔まことの恋が平穏無事に進んだためしはない〕より)
- Picture 〜
- 〜を思い浮かべてください
- hunched
- 背中を丸めて
- drained of 〜
- 〜を失って
- assembled crowd
- 集まった人々
- deep down
- 心の底で
- row
- 列
- screamed
- 派手にうたっていた
- Media welcome
- マスコミの方歓迎
- irresistible
- 非常に魅力的な
- (am)not blending in
- 溶け込んでいない
- is midway through her first point
- 最初の要点の説明の途中だ
- best chance
- 最良の状況
- endure 〜
- 〜を我慢する
- strong points
- 長所
- responsible adult
- 信頼できる大人
- attentive
- 気遣いのできる
- grooming
- 身づくろい
- Nose hair
- 鼻毛
- choke
- はっと息をのむ
- mind has been drifting
- 違うことを考えていた
- last thing they want to 〜
- 決して〜したくないもの
- sprouting from 〜
- 〜から飛び出している
- nostrils
- 鼻の穴
- nods sagely
- さかしげにうなずく
- clippers
- はさみ
- Get a pair
- 一つ買いなさい
- piercing
- ピアス
- meekly
- おずおずと
- flannel checks
- フランネル製のチェックのシャツ
- giggle
- くすくす笑う
- look after 〜
- 〜の面倒を見る
- sin
- 罪
- were trying too hard
- 必死になりすぎている
- get turned down
- 断られる
- desperately
- 必死の
- motivation
- やる気
- Bitterness, resentment, envy
- 苦痛、怒り、ねたみ
- will take to the grave with me
- 一生覚えている
- scars
- 傷