Opinion Connecting on a personal level By Caroline Pover	フレームで見る  英文をプリントする  脚注をプリントする
日本の女性に望むこと どこから来たのか、日本食は好きか、等々、お決まりの質問には居心地の悪い思いをする。私たちと本当の意味でコミュニケートし、 真に友好的な関係を築くことを望むなら、勇気を持って自分を語ることに努めて欲しい。

Recently I was in a bar, sitting quietly with a friend and having a rather important conversation. When my friend left to go to the bathroom, two slightly tipsy Japanese women sat down at my table. One of them leant across the table and fired a barrage of questions at me: "Where are you from?" "How long have you been in Japan?" "Do you like Japanese food?" "Can you use chopsticks?"

The situation was not unfamiliar to me, nor is it to many other foreigners in Japan. But while I know that the intentions of these ladies were nothing but good (despite them being quite rude in not asking if they could join me), when this kind of thing happens it makes me feel uncomfortable. And I know it makes other foreigners feel uncomfortable too. It makes us feel uncomfortable because we feel that we are viewed primarily as "outsiders," and that the reason people ask us these questions and want to connect with us is simply because we are foreign, not because they feel they may have anything in common with us.

I relayed this experience at a recent workshop I gave to a group of Japanese women. The topic was "Creating an International Lifestyle Without Going Overseas." Thus began an interesting discussion on making friendships with people from around the world: places to do this, ways to do this, and, most importantly I think, why many Japanese people (especially women) want to do this.

There was a strong consensus among the group of women at my workshop: They generally felt that speaking another language and conversing with non-Japanese people allowed them the freedom to be themselves. They felt that their jobs, families and Japanese society in general restricted them from expressing their opinions, pursuing their true professional and personal goals, and developing relationships with people that they felt would nurture their individual identities. And as women, they felt this even more so. Unfortunately, much of the foreign-language education in Japan doesn't provide students with the tools needed for true communication, which brings about situations like I found myself in that evening in the bar.

For real communication and relationships to take place, there needs to be a genuine desire to connect with others and to find out a bit about what makes them tick. And for women, there needs to be a little bit of courage in revealing more personal matters too. Many Western women bond with each other by telling each other their "stories," even during a first meeting. We find some common experience or feeling, and use that to start building a friendship. We don't really care too much about where someone else is from, and we certainly don't care about what kind of food they like. For Japanese people, who tend to avoid anything controversial or personal until much later down the track, this can be quite a challenge.

But it is worth taking the plunge and finding those slightly controversial or personal topics to connect on. It is certainly much more interesting than discussing whether somebody can use chopsticks or not!

Shukan ST: Dec. 19, 2003

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