Divorce Should Not Be a Stigma
By JOHN GATHRIGHT
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離婚は不名誉なことではない
日本のはやりり言葉で
離婚経験者のことを「バツイチ」と言うが
その言葉を聞くたびに筆者は不快に感じている。
離婚から多くを学び、
前向きに生きている人もいるからだ。
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Why do Japanese use the phrase "batsu ichi" to describe
someone who is divorced? Whenever I hear the phrase I
can't help but wince. I think they are so unfair.
Unfortunately, the mass media loves it and has succeeded
in making batsu ichi vogue.
People's lives aren't written tests with
fill-in-the-blank answers. No one has the right to
grade someone's marital experiences with "batsu" or
"maru." Our lives are the accumulation of our
experiences, molded by each success and failure, and
spurring us to grow.
So why in Japan do we use the phrase batsu ichi to
describe someone who has experienced a divorce? It is
very evident that for women especially, there is a
stigma attached to the label.
Just recently, being batsu ichi shattered the heart
of a close family friend. She was dumped because her
boyfriend's parents insisted that their son not marry a
batsu ichi. Their rationale was that, even though she
was a lovely lady, he shouldn't settle for "damaged
goods."
As we helped our friend pick up the pieces of her
broken heart, I can't help but feel that in hindsight
not marrying into such a close-minded family is a
blessing in disguise. The old saying "once bitten twice shy" often holds true in the case of
divorcees.
I do not advocate divorce as a solution to all
marital problems. I do feel though that in some
situations a marriage gone sour can provide many
valuable lessons and foster a determination and
commitment to succeed the next time.
I was 6 years old, and the oldest of three children when
my mother divorced. My father was an alcoholic and my
mother was an emotional wreck, and as a child I was very pained and upset by the whole situation. Life felt
full of gloom and despair.
That was many years ago. I am now the oldest of eight
children and the son of a different man. In Japan, my
mother would be called batsu ichi but I feel that her
divorce was not a bad thing at all.
When she remarried she chose another divorcee and
together they entered their new marriage with a
determination and commitment to make it a success. They
promised each other to have a home full of love,
happiness, communication and devotion to a successful
marriage. They turned the pain and sadness of their
previous marriages into a positive force for
success. I can't help but feel that for them being batsu
ichi was really batsu maru!
Essayist Joanna Slan once likened marrying a
divorced person to a doctor with experience. When you
need surgery, she would choose the one with the most
experience. When marrying she would choose a divorced
person with determination to succeed the second time.
Divorced people are not damaged goods. In many cases
they have much value added. Our friend feels that she
lost a boyfriend but actually she has been given the
opportunity to find someone who can appreciate the
value of her experience.
I feel that by using the phrase batsu ichi we show
prejudice toward divorcees. I don't encourage labeling
someone, but if people insist wouldn't maru ichi be more
fitting!
Shukan ST: July 7, 2000
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