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The Right Choice

By Masako Yamada


正しい選択

大学院が始まるまでの休みを利用して日本に来た雅子さん。3週間の滞在中にできるだけ多くの旧友や親戚と会いたいと、忙しく駆け回りました。今回の滞在は、「なぜ日本ではなくアメリカを生活の地に選んだのか」などと考える機会にもなったようです。

I spent the first four months of my life at my grandparents' house in Kumamoto. That is where my mother grew up. When I visited there this summer and walked around the neighborhood, I couldn't help wondering what kind of person I would have been if I had grown up there too.

My grandfather keeps a beautiful garden of pine trees and bonsai. My grandmother pickles dozens of jars of ume-boshi from her garden every year. There are cows, melon fields, and rice paddies all around the town. It even has its own hot spring, complete with a little hotel. The town is really rural.

So my mother is no city girl, by any means. I doubt she had any idea, when she married my father, that she'd end up living abroad for more than 20 years, and in the bustling New York metropolitan area at that. But my father's career and Japan's internationally expanding economy made it happen.

Now, even though my parents tried as much as possible to raise their children in the Japanese way, there are many, many cultural details that make me realize I'm not really a native Japanese. I have tried to keep on top of the latest trends by reading Japanese popular magazines and all, but it's not enough. Perhaps I was just not prepared to return and live in Japan for good.

There's really no use in thinking of the "what ifs." It was probably inevitable for me to make my home in America. After all, when my parents brought me here, I was only four months old. What cry could I have raised? Now I also have three younger brothers, all born in the States. Having so many children would have been much more difficult for my parents if we lived in Japan. But a large family also makes it more expensive to travel back to Japan regularly, so that made us even more isolated from the home country.

It's also true that now, as an adult, I have voluntarily chosen to live in Boston. This decision has to do with my educational goals in studying physics. The sense of personal independence I feel in the States and the rich multi-cultural communities I have come to know also influenced my choice. So if I haven't pursued all the opportunities I had to return to Japan, all I can say at this point is that things have turned out for the best.

When I do come to Japan, I feel like a guest from abroad. It's nice being a guest ― especially when so many kind and eager hosts are welcoming me and pampering me ― but I have to keep reminding myself that a three-week trip is different from a longterm stay. I am almost like a foreign tourist in Japan.

During this summer's visit I rushed around to see as many of my friends and relatives as possible, but I could only see each of them for a few hours or at most a few days. There is no way such short visits can make me feel at home or make me feel I belong in Japan. This is especially unfortunate in the case of my grandparents, since they are not getting any younger.

Of course, nothing is worse than not being able to be with the people you've been yearning to see for so long. I don't like talking on the phone, but I've ended up having some long phone conversations with the people I couldn't get to see this time. I also had to just leave messages on some answering machines.

Late one night, one of my friends from elementary school called me back after I'd left her a message, and we reminisced about talks we had years ago which we still remember and which still affect us. We never talked much even as classmates, and we've had less contact since, but I think we've always taken each other's words to heart. Although we couldn't express ourselves adequately over the phone, I knew that we'd always keep in touch, somehow.

She kept on telling me and reassuring me that my choice to stay in the United States was the right one for me. Given the circumstances and my own goals and dreams, I know she is right.

As much as I've enjoyed myself this summer _ going to cafes in Chicago, walking around to see the sights, and visiting old friends in Tokyo _ and as much as I regret that I couldn't spend more time with my loved ones, I still have much hope and eagerness as I begin the new school year.


ST

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